I mean six. Day six is over!
It’s been a long time since I had “weekends off” in any aspect of my life. It was 1984 to be specific… and come to think of it, I worked a lot of weekends back then as well. After a week of radiation fun, I was really looking forward to the weekend and really, really not looking forward to Monday. But Monday has come and gone. I’m still doing well.
I was nauseous today. Rumor’s goin round that could be one of my side effects. No reflection on the cuisine I’m sure; I ate at Our Way Café. My system no likey. Had their famous and delicious salmon loaf with dill sauce. Lost my appetite when I saw the sauce. I ate it anyway. The entire afternoon was one of those “If I could only throw-up I’d feel better” times. Sorry if that’s gross.
Week 1 went by quickly but felt forever.
On my Friday evening appointment I learned something NOT to do. My friend Jeff, who was an RN at some point in his past, really wanted to come with me and see. Up until then, I had gone to every appointment solo. Seeing things through Jeff’s eyes, I realized a few things.
First, the whole scene there is very emotional with fear being the quicksand everyone is trying not to sink into. Not just patients but everyone breathing the common air. However a person is naturally inclined to be when emotional – that’s how they are waiting outside of Radiation. Sniffling and red-eyed forcing a smile; hyper and not sitting still for more than 5 seconds; withdrawn and silent maybe even with eyes closed/asleep; inappropriately loud laughter, and more. What’s going on at a cellular level must certainly being influenced by the energy immediately around.
I also realized I must have learned to detach from my human body and rise above and calmly observe the goings on with a third party perspective. Didn’t realize that was what I had been doing. Having Jeff there prevented me from quasi-hypnotizing myself through the process. Friday I was nervous for very first time since I went to the doctor about my swollen lymph node. (I got agitated when they tried to give me a PIC line in error – but never before nervous). I made it through all last week without taking any relaxants or anti-anxiety prescriptions. Friday evening, however, my blood pressure was elevated, so I had to drink water, uncross my legs, feet flat on the floor, breath deeply and relax… and keep losing my spot in the line-up until my BP risk lowered. Hurry up and relax. They have music you can listen to, relaxing art on the walls… I finally hypnotized my blood pressure down and off we happily zapped. Is this what mediation is?
Finally, I laughed several times today at some advice my friend Samuel shared with me. He’s both a brain cancer survivor and a psychologist. He told me, “don’t underestimate the importance of denial when fighting cancer.” Having company at my appointment didn’t work for me. I need to constantly recall the “apple fritter” comment the nurse said to me the first day. This is about me. I’m pretty sure I can remain focused, stay floating, and meld my denial through 11 more treatment days.
SEX SEX SEX
Thoughts and Therapy for my Cancer Experience 